ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
