walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
