I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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