He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I think my vagina is haunted
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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