this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
