This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Gay?
German.
Pity.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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