in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
