took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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