You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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