Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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