he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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