So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
