You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
