I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
