i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
