so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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