It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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