my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
