Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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