My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
