What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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