Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
