shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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