theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
