I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
