Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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