Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
did i walk over a car last night?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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