youre lurking in front of me
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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