Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
