We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Randomize
