I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
