Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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