Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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