my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
