Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
