getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
