did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
