It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
