New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
