I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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