Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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