There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
