I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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