we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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