They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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