We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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