I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
