Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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