This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
