$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
