hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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