What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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