my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
