why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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